Dear God, what did we ever do to deserve this? In effect this is the first of the Star Wars “sequels” and the one now consigned to the trash bin of history in a Stalinist attempt to re-write history. The Star Wars Holiday Special is the idiot cousin of the franchise, the drooling buffoon kept shackled in the Lucasfilm attic and occasionally liberated by video pirates who have done their best to keep this appalling piece of television history in the spotlight.
Where to begin… With Star Wars now elevated to the status of full-blown cultural phenomenon, it beggars believe that Lucas, Twentieth Century Fox or whoever it really was that green-lit this folly, actually had the balls to go ahead with it. Lucas has always denied any involvement with the show, but this seems rather disingenuous – it features, in animated form, the first appearance of fan favourite, bounty hunter Bobba Fett, which suggests that Lucas either had written the trilogy this early on, as he always claimed, and allowed the use of a character from the next film, The Empire Strikes Back, to appear, thus implicating him in the show’s production; or he wasn’t directly involved and simply filched the character for Empire, giving lie to his oft-repeated claim that the initial trilogy had been planned from before Star Wars had gone into production.
Either way, it’s staggering that the franchise managed to survive this hysterical farrago. Cheaply shot on video, with effects sequences from the original film clumsily edited into the action, this is as cheesy as they come, from the painful opening titles through the unspeakable musical interludes through to the thank-God-it’s-here-at-last ending. The opening sequence is interminable, as Chewbacca’s son Lumpy, his wife Malla and his father Itchy (I swear I’m not making any of this up…) growl at each other and do “hilarious” domestic business while awaiting the arrival of Chewbacca and Han Solo. It’s an astonishingly bad piece of television, with no plot, no dialogue and absolutely nothing of any interest happening for a full 10 minutes (maybe more, time takes on unique properties while watching The Star Wars Holiday Special) – the only thing that keeps you from slipping into a coma during this sequence is the startling revelation that Wookies seem to use virtual reality porn, revealed when Itchy gets over-excited while interacting with a virtual Diahann Carroll (“Oh, we are excited aren’t we?”).
Jolted awake by this wholly unexpected turn of events we’re soon wishing we were dead as Art Carney turns up demonstrating some new-fangled piece of machinery to some Stormtroopers – who quickly leave when said device conjures up a torpid performance from former psychedelic legends turned AOR bores Jefferson Starship, presumably roped in because their name gives them some tenuous link to the what passes for a plot. You simply have to suffer this nonsense to get the full effect of the soporific music combined with the 70s vintage video effects – it should come with some sort of officially sanctioned mental health warning.
Music – or something very like it – plays a terrifying part in The Star Wars Holiday Special. Guest star Bea Arthur is moved to a quick tune when Imperial troops close down her tatty cantina, a sort of monotone vaguely set to the strains of the cantina band music from Star Wars. But just when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, Carrie Fisher turns up and starts to sing. Well, I say “sing”, but it’s not really clear what it is she’s trying to do – she could be having a fit for all I know. Certainly the hideous caterwauling she does over a version of John Williams’ Star Wars main title theme seems like it might be singing, but the jury’s still out. It’s a humiliating sight, watching the hapless Fisher struggle gamely through, intercut with shots of Hamill and Ford who seem hard pressed to contain their amazement. Fisher later suffered from drug addiction though throughout this jaw-dropping performance she appears to be comfortably under the influence of something chemical and sedative. For many years, Fisher denied that the Special actually existed and having cringed through this performance, you can certainly understand why.
Curiously, fans seem to have a special affection for the Holiday Special because of the unexpected animated sequence that appears halfway through – animated because, allegedly, the producer’s couldn’t afford to shoot the action-heavy sequence in live action. The fans love it because it marked the first on-screen appearance of Bobba Fett and also because it’s the only part of the whole sorry escapade that’s actually watchable. The animation is awful – check out the version of Han Solo that nothing whatsoever like Harrison Ford – but at least there’s something happening that doesn’t involve people trying to sing.
Elsewhere, there’s so little going on that one wonders how they managed to stretch this out to two hours. Familiar US TV faces appear and disappear at whim, skulking away looking suitably embarrassed after their hopeless turns, and the main Star Wars cast just sort of turn up from time to time to do nothing in particular then wander off again – though Mark Hamill’s appearance is particularly startling, looking like the make up artist has run riot on his face. Parts of it are hysterically funny – though not for the reasons intended – but really, trying to sit through this garbage is not recommended. There are far more pleasurable ways to waste your life if that’s what you want.
In the years since the first and only screening for The Star Wars Holiday Special, George Lucas has gone to great lengths to distance himself from it – he has repeatedly claimed that he only ever saw a script for and approved the animated sequence and he was apparently under the impression that it would bridge the gap between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. When the finished product – apparently written in just a couple of weeks – was such a disaster, Lucas tried to get as far away from it as possible. When he announces that he wants to track down and destroy every one of the thousands of bootleg copies that have been doing the rounds over the years, one feels almost compelled to sign up to help…
ABC, who aired the Special, were appalled when ratings suddenly dropped after the first ten minutes – in 1978, Star Wars was huge so naturally, everyone across the States was tuning in to see more of the saga two years before the next film in the series was due for release. Having suffered through 10 minutes of Wookie-speak, they were soon bailing out in search of something – anything – better.
The EOFFTV Review 