Stonehenge has remained a fascinating enigma for thousands of years, a collection of standing stones on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire that has captivated and perplexed researchers and visitors in equal measure, defiantly resisting any attempt to identify exactly why its Neolithic architects built it. It’s been theorised that it was a temple, a place of healing, a symbol of peace and unity or a primitive astronomical observatory. In 2010 writer/director Paul Ziller and his co-writer Brad Abraham set the record straight – Stonehenge, British icon, site of mystical and religious significance and ancient, charismatic mystery, is in fact the key to an ancient terraforming device that is threatening to eradicate Mankind by pressing the planet’s reset button.
Former scientist Jacob Glaser (Misha Collins) is now the host of a popular radio show that specialises in all things paranormal and fringe science. His archaeologist friend Joseph Leshem (Hill Harper) accidentally unleashes an ancient power from a tomb he’s unearthed in Maine, a power that seems to be centered on Stonehenge. Glaser investigates as the forces unleashed at the ancient stone circle spread to other ancient sites around the world, triggering catastrophic volcanic eruptions, the result of what Glaser believes is an alien terraforming network. As the end of the world approaches, Glaser rushes back the States in search of an ancient artefact he believes can be used to deactivate Stonehenge.
Welcome to the strange, hilarious and utterly baffling world of Stonehenge Apocalypse. Paul Ziller’s cock-eyed Canadian feature (shot in Toronto and picked up by the Sci-Fi Channel) is a ludicrous, ill-informed and utterly fatuous bit of old tat that effortlessly manages to insult the intelligence of anyone unlucky enough to stumble upon it. Patently inspired by Roland Emmerich’s 2012 (2009) it tries to stage a global apocalypse on the tiniest of budgets with predictable results. It looks cheap and thoroughly unconvincing but no amount of money was ever going to be able to overcome the many failings of Ziller and Abraham’s appalling script, one that’s so enamoured by its ridiculous conspiracy theory plot that it’s blinded to things like logic, common sense or anything even remotely resembling entertainment.
Nothing about Stonehenge Apocalypse makes a single jot of sense – it’s like watching an attempt to film a particularly clueless first draft script. Things just happen with no rhyme nor reason, the characters are so thinly drawn they’re almost not there at all and by the end you’ll be none the wiser as to who created the terraforming device(s). Nor will you care all that much to be fair as by the time Glaser reveals his theory, you’ll have long since given up on this appalling nonsense. And by the time you get to the revelation that Leshem is insane and leading a cult that is actively trying to bring about the end of the world you’ll be praying for the apocalypse to happen sooner rather than later and put you out of your misery.
British viewers will be particularly amused by the lack of attention to detail. Though Ziller and Abraham consulted at least one book and identified that Stonehenge is indeed on Salisbury Plain, that’s where their grasp of British geography, culture, language and customs comes to a conspicuous halt. A map on Jacob’s wall seems to suggest that Salisbury Plain is in northwest England (though an onscreen caption correctly identifies it as being in the southwest; no matter where it is there now seem to be some large mountains whereas in reality no such feature is present; the plain is an area of 300 square miles yet Ziller and Abraham seem to think that it would have its own primary school (itself incorrectly identified as an elementary school, not a term used in the UK); British soldiers drive around in vehicles (all with steering wheels on the wrong side) that have never seen service in the British Army; Jacob arrives at Stonehenge in a London taxi, a trip of some 85 miles (that radio show must pull in big money to afford that trip!); and the RAF apparently have a fleet of B-1 Lancer bombers (they don’t) which magically transform into F-16 Falcon’s mid-flight…
Shoddy on ever level, Stonehenge Apocalypse is a prime example of the very worst of the kind of under-resourced, under-developed, under-achieving crap that The Sci-Fi Channel/SyFy has specialised in for far too many years. It’s made by people who clearly don’t give a toss about making anything worthwhile, who just turned up on the day, shot any old nonsense that sprung to mind and slapped it together in the vaguest semblance of a film. It’s terrible, and what’s worse is that one suspects that those who made it knew it was terrible and just didn’t care. Even the most die-hard of must-watch-everything completists would be well-advised to give this one the widest possible berth…
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